music makes me...

Ok, i have always loved music.
 In the childhood years i anxiously waited for those symphony evenings at the Orchestra Hall. Everything appealed to me: getting dressed up in 'special' pretty clothing, walking into a glorious 19th century-built castle-like building where giant chandeliers shimmered with their thousand pieces of crystal, shooting rainbows across the gold-adorned walls of the Hall. I stroked the softness of the red velvet of the seats, i stared at the balconies, imagining the royalty that had sat in those very same spots some years ago. And when the orchestra started playing, i was entranced with the sound. The sound came in waves, seemingly from everywhere. It was bigger than me, and it was bigger than everything. Vivid pictures appeared in my imagination, taking me away from reality, making my hyperactive mind calm and peaceful, for once. And, if i ever woke up from that trance, i observed the musicians, watching their concentrated faces, their precise movements, and their polished shoes.
When i got older, the subversive lyrics of the decedent poets and bards grabbed my attention, making me sing out loud. And, when the teenage years struck, the emerging scene of loud rock and punk soothed my aching soul.

Coming to America created a wonderful time of discovery: from struggling to understand the lyrics, to learning about all of the various multicultural directions of music of past and present, as i was flipping the radio stations of my beat up two-seat car as i was rushing across town to make 30 minutes guarantee on the Domino's Pizza delivery.

As i got older, learned, and grew, my music interests became diverse. I hardly missed any local festival, and ran to every concert that evoked my curiosity. When i couldn't afford decent tickets, i grabbed the cheapest and was content just to get in the door. The smoke, the heat, the lack of ventilation, the often rambunctious crowds, - all that didn't phase me. And, even though i would have preferred to be listening from the privacy of some kind of magic ceiling-suspended capsule,  i enjoyed being present, being in the moment, being carried away by sonic waves. I have fallen asleep on the speakers, i have gone to work in the morning after 2 hours of sleep,  on occasion i had to resort to stuffing napkins into my ears to ensure i would still have all my senses by the end of the night, i have driven for 8 hours in a snow blizzard to another city to attend a concert i didn't want to miss, and, finally, i have flown across the county for a concert recommended by my now-husband.

But now something is very different. I still love music, but i rarely want to go. The last few times i managed to make it out to an event, i left a bit disappointed. It is not that the music got worse, it is definitely something else. I no longer enjoy seeing a concert from the last row of the last balcony, from where musicians look like little shivering ants.  When weighing the cost of going to a symphony with my husband on a Friday night, versus our other financial priorities, the more practical needs win. And then, I imagine the long drive that would be required, i calculate the time we would get back and how much of a bite it would take out of our Saturday's agenda.  And, loud indoor concerts no longer seem appealing, since i can no longer tune out that sweaty stink of the drunken youth that would undoubtedly surround me as i struggle to make my way into the main floor, where i could at least see the shapes of the performing musicians. I say to myself - i can see it better on youtube, i can hear it better on the speaker of my car, i don't have to endure this. And so, i don't. A few years back we tried going to an outdoor multi-band concert. We put our blankets on the grass, we docked inconsiderate youth nearly stepping on our heads while they made their way to and fro their buddies' spots, we bought $12 cups of beer, we struggled to hear the actual music behind all the background chatter, we burned on the sun. It was an experience, but not the one i would be compelled to repeat in the near future.

I feel like a party-pooper, i feel like i have lost something. I miss the excitement of the sonic experience, but i don't seem to be able to get it any longer, so i just have to save my money and put them to a better use for a new gymnastics class of my daughter, or another plate of fresh vacation oysters. Getting old sucks, but pretending that nothing has changed sucks even more.

being ordinary and happy

When we are young, we think there is glory in being different, in swimming against the stream, in dancing to a beat of a different drum. We wish to fit in, but even more, we wish to be noticed by being extraordinary and special. Our school system, and, often, our high achieving parents, reinforce that idea by asking more of us, by inspiring us with examples of extraordinary people and their deeds. They want us to aim high, to not be content with the status quo.  But as we get older, we start to appreciate the status quo. We start to understand that life presents enough challenges as it is, and that the most efficient way of maximizing enjoyment is to remove unnecessary obstacles by learning to fit in rather than stand out. We realize that swimming against the stream is exhausting, and the same or more can be achieved by floating down the river with everyone else, and then, if necessary, getting in the car and driving to the stream head. As I raise my daughter, I think about all of the things that I would like to teach her. I think about the human evolution: what can I do to save her some of my mistakes. I am committed to teaching her the value of hard work, of course. And, although I would never tell her to disregard her passion for the sake of fitting in, what i will definitely teach her is, given a choice of several potentially desirable options, picking the most ordinary is the wisest choice. That will probably not make her a president, or a scientist that cures cancer, but it will allow her to live in peace and be happy. And happiness is a worthy goal, if you ask me.

one day you will grow up

One day you will grow up and start asking questions. Until then we will keep telling you how much we love you, and how lucky you are to have many people that care.
But one day we will be able to tell you more.
Hopefully your dad would be able to speak to you without guilt in his heart and tell you that K and him separated because they loved you: they loved you so much that wanted to raise you in two happy, healthy, loving homes, rather than one sad and angry one. Hopefully he will explain that i came to join the family because i loved you and dad and wanted to help build a better future for all of us, including K, and of course, you. Hopefully he will be able to explain that he wanted to teach you by example the most important skill of all: how to be happy.
Until then he will just try to reassure you of everyone's love. And that's ok.

oh, that fickle heart! and "money matters"

As i came to pick up Sara from her school's aftercare, she skipped excitedly, pulled me close, and whispered: "i have a secret to tell you. I will tell you when we get to the car". So, i knew it was a good day, because secrets are usually good, since bad things usually get brought up casually in between other things, as if trying to slip them in, to reduce their importance. So, then the announcement followed: "Brannan asked me to marry him!" Brannan happens to be a boy in Sara's class. I pondered it for a moment, then i told her how happy i was that other kids think that she is a nice kid, and that she has good friends. Then i asked : "So, what did you say?", to which Sara answered happily: "I said 'yes'!" I was pleased that she had such a positive interaction with a classmate, but i was surprised, because just a couple of weeks ago another boy in class named Seith told her that "he cared about her", and she was quite content about that, and even took the extra effort to introduce us to him at a classmate's party. She used to be quite a dedicated heart: back in preschool she pined over Tomasitto (Thomas that is) for a few years before allowing herself to kindly accept flowers and attention from Aden , who was a year or so older. (Aden also wanted to marry her, but never came out with an outright proposal).
When we got home she wanted to share the news with Carlos, but she asked him not to laugh. I think daddy was delighted to hear it. Later at dinner she pointed to our wedding picture and asked me if i still have the dress. I answered positively. She asked if she could use it to get married, and, when i said 'of course', she proceeded to ask me where i am storing it. I tried to assure her that it is put away in a safe place, but she asked repeatedly and expressed concern, so i ended up specifying that it is stored in a box in the garage. She then proceeded to say that she also wants her kids clothing saved, and her baby skies, so that she could use it for her child, so that "she doesn't waste money buying new stuff". Hmm... seems that money saving strategies and "reduce-reuse-recycle" taught well...may be too well...

New chapter, in the new home

So, we moved!!! Just short of celebrating our 4 years in LA, we packed up our belongings and moved to a quiet suburban heaven of OC.
Carlos really made me proud by shedding all fear and going for it! -- as new job that is. It was a difficult transition for him, considering so many years was spent at his old job, so many human connections and so many projects with considerable emotional investment. But now he has a better paying job in a better company, that allowed us to find a better place, away from the LA hustle and bustle and in a tranquil area. We are feeling so hopeful about his carrier and look forward to the many accomplishments that will surely follow. So, this move was full of excitement for our brighter future.

But, it was no small task for me to find this place. The time was short, as he was supposed to start his new job on Feb 3, and we didn't get the final go ahead until second part of Jan. I felt quite a bit under pressure, since the housing dilemma was mine to solve. After narrowing down the area based on the scores of the zoned schools, and considering the driving distance to Carlos' work, i settled on the neighborhood. The trouble was that all of the ads were advertizing "no pets" rentals. The only two apartment complexes in the area were overpriced and not appealing at all, so we knew it had to be a private rental. After calling on all of them, one lady seemed open to ONE kitty, so we went to see it, put on our charms, and got her approval.
The place is technically speaking a bit smaller than our last one, but with high ceilings  and a garage it feels more comfortable. The only uncomfortable part is having to hide 3 cats from the landlord, which we already had to do last week, when she was coming by for some unfinished business.

With the relocation came the new school for Sari. We were concerned about making the switch in the middle of the year, but it actually went smoothly. Sara was excited and ready for a change. I think this may be because she has not been able to truly bond with any of her Goethe classmates, and probably felt like a third wheel to Chrisette (her friend from preschool) and her new classmate friend, which were the people that she had associated the most with. So, i am happy to report that this new school  is working out so much better than her old one so far.

From my personal observations, it seems to be a more organized place. Sara feels more secure here, and as a result she has better connections with her peers, and is overall more emotionally stable than before. Perhaps the continuity of morning to evening routines within the same household has also been of a positive factor. There is more positive vibe in the house and we all seem more peaceful and less stressed.

I also think she is learning more, because we get work sheets home every day, and that lets us know what they are covering in class. Plus, there is a definitely emphasis on reading and spelling. Perhaps her previous school also taught similar things, but since no worksheets were going home, we had no way to reinforce the information at home, and no way to practice. In addition, this school has daily volunteering parents that are pretty much a part of the classroom, and are able to supervise not only learning but also socializing. I was pleasantly surprised of this, as i received some feedback at the classmate's birthday party.
So, with many hopes and dreams we are starting a new chapter in our lives. Oh, the excitement!