I have been grappling with the challenges of getting older for a while now. I am used to it, really. Menopause kicked in much to early - i adjusted ok. Autoimmune reared its ugly head - I fell apart, but upon figuring out methods to keep it somewhat at bay, I felt victorious. I made piece with countless supplements that i had to ram down my throat on a daily basis in order to continue being able to handle my daily activities. I made peace with not being able to enjoy any normal food, or social gathering. I even embarked on getting my facial fillers, rejoicing at feeling re-built and renewed.
But this aging issue is different. It is no longer about me, but about the generation before me. My parents, Carlos' parents are definitely stepped into the place of transition. It has become painfully apparent that their time on this earth is very much limited. It has also became front and center that their existence requires close management on our part.
My parents came to visit over the winter, as always. Except it wasn't "as always". It was most definitely very different. It wasn't their physical limitations, per se, although those also had exacerbated since the year previous. It was mostly their mental capacity that I really felt a change in. I knew we couldn't have a reasonable conversation of any substance, and that was hard, I couldn't maintain any level of engagement, - I had to tune out 99% of the time in order just to tolerate this difference. They are no longer people that I can learn from, or people that I can help to guide and teach, -- they are now people that I can just pacify, reassure, and help to keep "on neutral". It was a stark change that i don't think i was ready for. On New Years eve, after spending the entire day of my feed cooking, I sat down to "party" and was profoundly sad and bored. I didn't want to be there, i felt i was no longer surrounded by my parents, but by the ghosts of them, a holographic images that lacked the intellectual capacity. It was the hardest NYEve I have had in 16 years. When i dropped them off at the airport, i felt relief. I made a mental note: "my parents are done, they are not as they were anymore, and will never be".
Since then my mom had her pacemaker put in, and is recovering from aortic valve replacement. She is going ok, considering the situation.
Carlos had his major challenge of his mom's cancer diagnosis, the transition to full time living with the caretaker, and all the family turmoil that this had brought. His upcoming visit to Guatemala will be challenging as well.
As these battles with aging rage on, I am trying to trick myself into youth. I started my Jujitsu journey in January, and try to keep up with the fitness that it requires. Carlos had achieved an amazing level of fitness on his bike, and i am so amazed to see how much of an athlete he really is. He completed his epic trip to Belgium with his friends, and rode vigorously the whole 10 days he was there.
We will see what awaits us in the future. I am guessing its only harder from here..
