At the end of the year, summary

 This year is coming to an end. It has been a year of many mixed emotions. 

    C has travelled back to Guatemala several times to look on his sick mom. I have been trying to do my best to be his first line of support. He finds it challenging to reconcile the past, present and future, while remaining in tact to function day to day. I am so very happy that he was able to make it to his European biking trip to have at least something positive and memorable from this year. Due to circumstances we did not take any other vacations, but only small trips.

    My highlight trip was definitely the DEMF this year. It felt so good to re-encounter it after such a long break of 14 years. I was relieved to discover that music was able to take me away in the same manner as it used to do previously, and that i was able to party and after-party for three days non stop without any health consequences or fatigue. It was truly as rim-to-rim-to-rim experience as i had hoped it to be. C and S joined me on the last day. It was a trip to see them in that setting. It felt warm and good and happy to show them the festival. Although S didn't express any interest, she tolerated it well, and C really surprised me at his ability to embrace D&B. It was truly a special trip.

    In November i came back to Michigan when Shura passed away. It was also a convenient way to check on my parents. I made the most of our limited time together. It was weird to see Shura's house without her there, and to think about her in past tense. She was such a force of a woman.

    Because of these trips, my parents decided not to come here for the winter. It is understandable, they are not as mobile as before, My mom had her year of health challenges this year as well, with pacemaker installed, valve replaced, and a long recovery afterwards with AFib resulting. I am also noticing how my fathers memory of recent things is deteriorating. He doesn't really remember if we already discussed something. My mom minimizes this, perhaps because these issues are not serious enough to be an impediment in their regular life at this point, but to me this is definitely an area of concern and things to watch for in the future.

My life has been truly powered by BJJ this year. It is what inspires me, it is what i want to do all the time, and if i am not doing it then i want to read about it, watch videos or listen to podcasts on this topic. In January it will be a year since my first day, and I am happy about my Jujitsuversary. My hopes and dreams are to become better and more imaginative in action, to develop body memory and true spatial awareness when rolling. I don't care about belts at this point, i just want to get decent at this game.

Getting old sucks, watching others get old sucks even more

     I have been grappling with the challenges of getting older for a while now. I am used to it, really. Menopause kicked in much to early - i adjusted ok. Autoimmune reared its ugly head - I fell apart, but upon figuring out methods to keep it somewhat at bay, I felt victorious. I made piece with countless supplements that i had to ram down my throat on a daily basis in order to continue being able to handle my daily activities. I made peace with not being able to enjoy any normal food, or social gathering. I even embarked on getting my facial fillers, rejoicing at feeling re-built and renewed. 

But this aging issue is different. It is no longer about me, but about the generation before me. My parents, Carlos' parents are definitely stepped into the place of transition. It has become painfully apparent that their time on this earth is very much limited. It has also became front and center that their existence requires close management on our part.

My parents came to visit over the winter, as always. Except it wasn't "as always". It was most definitely very different. It wasn't their physical limitations, per se, although those also had exacerbated since the year previous. It was mostly their mental capacity that I really felt a change in. I knew we couldn't have a reasonable conversation of any substance, and that was hard, I couldn't maintain any level of engagement, - I had to tune out 99% of the time in order just to tolerate this difference. They are no longer people that I can learn from, or people that I can help to guide and teach, -- they are now people that I can just pacify, reassure, and help to keep "on neutral". It was a stark change that i don't think i was ready for. On New Years eve, after spending the entire day of my feed cooking, I sat down to "party" and was profoundly sad and bored. I didn't want to be there, i felt i was no longer surrounded by my parents, but by the ghosts of them, a holographic images that lacked the intellectual capacity. It was the hardest NYEve I have had in 16 years. When i dropped them off at the airport, i felt relief. I made a mental note: "my parents are done, they are not as they were anymore, and will never be".

Since then my mom had her pacemaker put in, and is recovering from aortic valve replacement. She is going ok, considering the situation. 

Carlos had his major challenge of his mom's cancer diagnosis, the transition to full time living with the caretaker, and all the family turmoil that this had brought. His upcoming visit to Guatemala will be challenging as well. 

As these battles with aging rage on, I am trying to trick myself into youth. I started my Jujitsu journey in January, and try to keep up with the fitness that it requires. Carlos had achieved an amazing level of fitness on his bike, and i am so amazed to see how much of an athlete he really is. He completed his epic trip to Belgium with his friends, and rode vigorously the whole 10 days he was there.

We will see what awaits us in the future. I am guessing its only harder from here..

Murrieta complaints

 

While living in Anaheim Hills, before we went deep into our house hunting, I searched the demographics data for a number of areas. I was looking for ethnically non-homogenous area with a large percentage of democrat voters. I selected Murrieta and Temecula because it seemed to match those criteria. I also was making a note of the weather, counting to land somewhere at least no hotter than Anaheim Hills. 

Well, upon moving here and living for a few years, I can attest that i have been bamboozled Mr. Google. The last round of elections, pandemic, schooling from home, -- all allowed people to show their true colors (mostly red with a touch of Q). I haven't felt like i moved to an area where i would find any sort of peers, but rather to an enemy territory. Sara's school mates are either from struggling disadvantaged families, or from flag waving Trumpers. If I felt isolated in Anaheim Hills, because my income bracket did not reach the Hawaii villa vacationing school families, and my interests and hobbies did not include an LV purse shopping spree, then here I feel a whole new level of isolation. While Carlos does have some social connections via his cycling hobbies, I maintain mine only via my virtual ties with my few friends. I keep reading that this is going to be detrimental to my future health and lifespan. Yet, once Sara finishes school and we move out of state, we will surely end up in a place geographically disconnected, so this is my training for the future. I have started randomly browsing house listings in La Pine area, as well as in WA, - pretty much everywhere that looks like "away", and "in the woods". Currently inventory at a reasonable price level seems to be really low. Houses that are much older in much worse shape are selling higher than what we paid for this house a few years ago. My calculation is that local housing market will maintain its price better than the OR/WA areas i am viewing, so that when we are ready to sell this one, the next house will be much cheaper, giving us a smaller mortgage and a way to, perhaps, pay it off before retiring.

One of the biggest issues in Murrieta for me is the climate, and it goes way deeper than just wanting 4 seasons. At this point I, at the very least, would like the ability to use my "outside" for more than just 7-8 months per year. The weather, with its' warming patterns, had kicked my butt completely with June, July, August and September temps peaking above 100 on the regular.  Walking the dog in the summer can only be done close to, or after, sunset. Hiking cannot be attempted on any summer weekend. Even going to the beach, where temps are much lower, is not too pleasant on a typical weekend. Also, my gardening aspirations have crumbled, aside from potted hibiscus obsession. Everything else needs to be completely covered in shade cloth to even attempt to survive in this truly desert climate.  The first year here we tried an avocado tree that didn't make it passed the summer, we tried tea tree bushes that made it barely passed the initial bloom and gave up, and countless other plants that got destroyed by ants, scorching sun or clay soil. Only mulberry tree that we got from AH's friends seems to be doing well. I had high hopes for nispero, but no fruits at all this year - i suppose this is because last summer i had to constantly spray it as it was getting attacked by aphids non-stop. We finally removed all the sucker branches in the fall, so hoping to see a better result next year.

Short assessment of things

 The world has changed. Everything has changed.

No, not just Covid, although Covid redefined everything, changed our habits, our way of life, and our perception of health and safety.

Now dealing with my father’s diagnosis, not having control,  not knowing how it all ends is , once again, redefining my reality.

Ukraine war was the last straw. Holding on to any remaining mental health is proving to be challenging.

Visions of the future are ever so murky. Nothing can take the mind away into a safety zone.

That was the overview of the current situation. Now I will attempt to elaborate. 

    So, back in October my parents came for a visit. Everything was pretty decent up until the last two days, when my dad went off on my mom because she was verbalizing her wish for a new fridge and few other things at the dinner table. So, just like every single visit, something always occurs to mar the experience of hosting them here. I am already plenty accustomed and desensitized to it, but, nonetheless, this further reduced my openness to future meaningful time sharing. And with this went the earlier fantasy of renting a Lake Tahoe house with them in the summer.

    While they were here, we happened to adopt Mika. Mika was a strong little baby and gave us full puppy experience: from peeing everywhere, to destroying the yard, to annoying the living soul out of Kayah. My parents actually were able to help out in the first week of Mika's presence. 

    During the holidays we did nothing, except for hosting Carlos' cousin and his family. It was rather chaotic and a little weird. It seems C did not know them very well, so it made for an awkward few days. And, a few days after they left Sara started the new semester at school and brought us all Omicron (at least as I understand it). I was very concerned due to my autoimmune and C's asthma. It was definitely mild, but did carry some weird symptoms and some after-effects. My weakness and tiredness continues to this day.

    My father got diagnosed with cancer in this groin area lymph nodes. Apparently his prostate surgery in 2005 had not prevented this. The issue is that the doctor stopped checking his PSA levels once he turned 76, and it evolved unnoticed sometime since then. He is handling it extremely well. I am surmising that he knows that if he falls apart, my mom will completely fall apart and he will have to take care of her at that point, so prevention is the key. 

    Every day reading news from Ukraine. I did not think that Putin will go for the actual real war option in his attempt to take over the country. Evil bastard. All of the citizens that chose not to stand against him for the sake of the comfortability of their own wallets have blood on their hands now, as far as i see it.

at the door of 50s - Existentual crisis

 It is still April, therefore I am still "young", still in my fourties. I have four months to convince myself that i haven't given up, haven't thrown the towel, haven't exited the ring. It is hard, because i don't feel it. I don't feel the zest of life, the desire to "go get it" in any of the areas of work or recreation. It's not the age, its not fear of dying. I feel healthy, thankfully. My autoimmune is under control. I have gotten accustomed to my modified food intake. Everything is well in my world: Sara is doing extremely well in these challenging surcumstances, Carlos is my BFF in every way. I have stability in my job, i have financial security and nothing to complain about. But I struggle to find enjoyment and contentment, I stuggle to fight sameness. I can't seem to find my enthusiams for anything. Existentual crisis is upon us. Everything feels like just too much effort for the reward it brings. What the heck is this??

Being energetic is still fresh in my memory. Being game for driving 5 hours to go to a concert, feeling enthusiastic just to geet away and to pack everything up for just one night of camping,  easily make plans to go to a festival to stay on my feet for hours and hours, hot/cold but not exhausted or miserable, put in some hardcore training for vigorous climbing adventure with other people, or ok with pointless canoe paddle around a local lake -- all of these things I was totally game for at any time, but not now. I don't know how I changed. I don't know what changed, and, most importantly, I don't know how to get back to that "me". Because this "me" is utterly boring. And life is short, very very short. And i don't have years to burn to figure out how to find enjoyment again. But the issue is that pulling myself by the boostraps and doing the activities anyway does not bring joy and does not solve anything. Need to find my way back to me.

Kitchen, 2021, and other complaints

 2021 is upon us. The holiday season was much different than ever. No visit from my parents, no holiday cookie exchanges, no catching up with friends, no skiing trips.

We spent our days off cooped up in the house, working on our kitchen on the weekends and drinking copious amounts of wine in the evenings. Even my weight lifting routine got interrupted by kitchen remodel tasks, and the desire for time to relax and unwind in the evenings.

 The kitchen project had been long lasting and all-consuming. It officially started on September 10, when for our anniversary we went to a cabinet warehouse. Carlos was mad he wasted a good cycling day on this, but it was important to me to have us see and talk about kitchen aspects that we liked and did not like. It allowed me to have a good starting point at layout considerations. I spent a ton of time trying to balance "the normal" layout, our limited and weird kitchen space, and my personal desires. Carlos did a computer drawing of the space, which allowed us to plan better. I submitted my ideas to the HOUZZ website people's opinions and got an ear full!!! They did not hold back and identified all of my mistakes, and pointed me in the right direction. Finally Carlos and I met with the cabinet makers and in November (spanning Thanksgiving holiday without a kitchen!!!)  it was all installed. Then we had to do our work, including a ton of electrical and lighting, tile and ceiling. It is almost done now, aside from the textured ceiling. And, i must say, the results are quite fabulous! I could not have imagined that everything will work out just great. I have been very nervous about every little decision. I was afraid I would make the wrong choice and have regrets. I was afraid i would spend too much money on something that i would dislike. But, amazingly, it all worked out!! The thing that i am the most excited about is our new normal height kitchen ceiling. It was difficult to convince Carlos that we could try to raise the ceiling. He was really convinced that there was something up there, like duct work, or plumbing, that would be in the way. Finally, when we looked, it was just an open space!! Carlos tore it up and made a new one, and it changes the whole space!! It has been tough for him - construction is definitely not his hobby. He can do it well, but he doesn't love the process. Despite it, he has been working super hard on this project, and sacrificed his cycling days for this work. I know it has been really hard for him, since cycling is the only thing that he truly loves. I intend to let him do as much cycling as his heart desires for the remainder of this year. He earned it.

Complaints aside, we had been fortunate to keep our jobs though this pandemic, and  fortunate to stay healthy. Carlos had the fortune to be able to work from home at the most critical moments of the pandemic, making me feel much safer.

Nov 21 our Kuzya passed away suddenly, in the early morning hours of the weekend. It was totally unexpected, as his test results were all perfect just two weeks before that. The night before he was with us in the kitchen, watching us demolish the last part of the counter by the window. He was totally ok, yelling at us as normal. And then we woke up and he was gone. I felt such a sense of loss - he has been the brightest character of this house. With his departure a disbalance was created between Woolly and Marseille and they have been fighting really bad ever since... 

As far as our social life, there hasn't been any. We did have a couple of get-togethers with Dasha and family, and one outside gathering with Kenia and family. Other than that, it has been super isolating. Although, i have to admit that i feel plenty isolated in any other year just the same. I have learned to live with it, i suppose. When i do get a chance to socialize with people, i come away feeling mostly tired and slightly bored. It is not because those people are boring, it is because I am boring myself. I stopped growing intellectually, I stopped learning new things and having new experiences. I live day to day, completing busy every-day-tasks. I am a parent and a wife, and a pet parent, and all of those things are important to me, and I wouldn't trade my life for anything, but, it doesn't make me grow and learn, and doesn't provide very much to talk about with others. So, as a result, I don't have very much to connect to other people on. I miss the days when i used to work with other people, when i could interact with the world. I even miss the days when i could go to the gym and, at least, see other people doing their human thing. But i must pick myself up by the bootstraps and get to lifting, because it will make me happier and stronger, and less concerned about all the abovementioned things.

Sara spent the holidays and the rest of the school break in LA. From what i understand, she enjoyed her time. The adjustment back to this household has been tough for her. We tried our best by doing some redecorating in her room. She has a real bed now, a real computer chair and a desk. She bought herself a pretty tapestry for the wall. Black skeletons kissing. Ick. :)

Kayah had started sleeping out of the kennel at night in the last month. She is too big for it anyway, and she should fulfil her guarding duties. She has been happy and healthy, aside from having a sensitive stomach periodically. She is one of the reasons why i don't really want to travel much anymore - I don't want to leave her at daycare for too long, and have her wondering where we are. Or, may be, i don't want to worry about her. Or both. 

In a few days it will be 11 years since the day that Carlos and I drove across the country to spend the rest of our lives together. It seems like a long time ago now, when i was full of energy, and health, and ready to take on the world. I think it is the most meaningful anniversary, aside from the day that we met. It was our beginning. It was the best day of the rest of my life. Carlos is a part of me, my soulmate, my life. I am eternally grateful to the universe for connecting us. I couldn't imagine my life without him. I don't have a good way to show my appreciation -- I wish he knew how i feel, but saying it doesn't do the trick. I want to do something special, but not special like making a cake or selyodka pod shuboi, but something really special. I am out of ideas. I know that the only truly special thing to him would be related to cycling, but i fall short in this department. And with covid cooties everywhere there isn't much to do. Need to figure this out.

New house and other things

 No, the house is not new anymore, or doesn't qualify as new by any standards. We moved in 2019, closing on it in February and slowly moving our possessions over the following month.

The decision to purchase it was sudden and somewhat impulsive. In 2018, over the summer, we had one especially wonderful stay in Big Bear, loving the place and the environment. This renewed our interest in trying to buy something of our own. We, once again, considered vacation home in Big Bear, but concluded that it did not make any financial sense. I proceeded browsing properties close to Big Bear to see if we can find something 'away' that Carlos could still commute from. I saw a few houses in Forest Hill area, but after talking to a random realtor, understood that anything i see on Zillow is either already sold or not any good.

I proceeded to browse areas. I did not want to be anywhere close where I lived, and, really, wouldn't be able to afford it anyway. Somehow area of Temecula sounded more 'away'. We checked the schools and saw good ratings. We checked the commute time for Carlos and it seemed ok. So, in November of 2018 I went to get us pre-approved for financing. Everything went very fast from there. We made an offer on the second house we saw, and signed the paperwork on the New Years eve, while at Gina's house party. We loved this house- it was airy and empty and looked like it is supposed to be "ours" from the start.

There was much drama about this - we had a competing offer, and the seller preferred them, so we almost did not get the house. Stressful times gave way to success! And then to another stressful time -- we had to move and our camper was sitting in the garage without a frame!! Oh, the horror!! We had to pick that project back up in a hurry, ordering frame, then working to install it and get it on the road. Carlos worked hard to get this done on tight schedule. I helped only a little, as he found my help distracting, for the most part. 

We moved officially in March and Sara started her new school in Murrieta. The school was not at all as organized as what we had in AH, but we had to find a way to adjust. Sara made a few friends that she was able to invite over our house, since we now had space to host people. This was new and exciting for us.

The year flew by. Carlos biked to work almost every day that year. In the summer we went to Oregon and he competed in the multi-day Oregon Gravel Grinder. He won in his category, and won daily as well. It was so exciting to see all his training pay off, and in such a wonderful setting. His friends were there, his cycling community - it was a wonderful trip. While he was cycling I did lots and lots of hiking. Using AllTrails app, i found the trails along the route that the cyclists were going, and planned my distances accordingly. I saw so many waterfalls, hiked though some snow, and swam in the remote lake where snow was still melting into it. I walked though rain and mossy forest, with blooming rhododendrons, and giant trees. I was grateful to be here, on earth, able to hike, live, see. I was grateful that autoimmune didn't kill me yet, and did not take away my ability to be there. Oregon is the most beautiful place on Earth. We stayed in our camper, and i moved it from location to the next location daily. On the way to this event we spent a day at the Crater Lake. I was just amazed at the view, at the color of the water - it was the most unusual, the most beautiful place that i was fortunate to encounter. We hiked a couple of trails around the lake, but couldn't cover the opposite side, because in June there was still lots of snow, and some of the roads and trails were closed. We could have done more with spikes on, and more time. We stayed in the nearby Crater Lake RV park and found it to be lovely and relaxing. We hoped to return another year when we could go to the other side and take a boat to the island. On the way back home we stopped at Nick's uncle John's house.

Then we fostered Odin. He seemed like a very cool dog, but we didn't get to know him, really. He was so fixated on killing cats that it was not safe to have him here, as we found out when he killed a stray cat in our shed. I was so traumatized. And sad. And the whole thing was just horrible. I wished him well and sent him off to another foster. We needed to find a dog that would be cat-safe. This was a difficult mission.

The rest of the 2019 was filled with drama. Carlos' parents planned a visit to the US, but, as it turned out, could not coordinate with their Ohio visit and our winter break. Carlos was very stressed out those days. I renewed my efforts to finding a dog for Carlos. Rescue organizations were slow to respond to my inquiries about the dog listings. I didn't see anything. I kept scanning local shelter posings. Until one day, on a fine Tuesday i saw her. She was just dumped at the Friends of the Valley, and she was 5 months old, and was marked "good with cats" in the listing. You could not see what kind of dog she was from the picture - the picture was terrible. I talked to Carlos and he agreed that it would be ok for me to go see her. I went later that day. Kayah was energetic, vigorous and much more interested in trying to take away neighbor's dog toy, rather than playing with me or getting to know me. Ha, I should have brought treats! But i did not know to do that. They did a cat- test on her, and she was much more interested in humans than cats, so she was deemed cat-safe and i paid my fees and drove her home. We had a dog!! 

Zhanna visited December, but only for a few days. We went to San Diego, but didn't have time to do very much. Carlos' parents, in the meanwhile, came back to LA. He was stressed out that he couldn't see them. Then my parents came. We ended up hosting New Years eve at our house, with my parents, Carlos' parents, with Pablo and Manuel and his parents too, -- it was a full house. I did very intense prep in the few days prior to this, and was stressed out to the max, trying to make sure that i can provide a good party for everyone. It was all good, but i got really sick with high fever right after. I felt so miserable and really wished i could go to my bedroom and just lay there. But, Carlos' parents were staying with us for a few days, along with my parents still there. I didn't really have any place to work. They did not have the common language, and Sara was tasked with translating. I don't think anyone really enjoyed this -it was awkward for all involved. I was hoping that Carlos would take days off to be home with his parents, but he could not. I did my best to keep everyone happy. Carlos got sick from me, and so did his mom. It was a difficult holiday season.

And then Covid hit. In March the schools became virtual. And stayed virtual. Sara did her best to stay upbeat. It was challenging times, times of fear and uncertainty. We did hiking that spring - it was the only way to get out of the house in a safe way. We had our groceries delivered, Carlos worked from home for a while. I was grateful to still have a job, as many people were loosing theirs. I couldn't go to the gym anymore, so gardening replaced all other hobbies. We planted a number of things, some of them are still surviving. Spring turned to summer. Sara went to LA in mid June for a few months. We took a trip to Oregon, but this was a different trip. Carlos was going to ride the bike with Slater and Jerry, and i was going to hike around the area. But, in the very first day Carlos fell and really hurt himself. He didn't tell me right away, and it wasn't until the next day that i saw his blue and purple thigh and leg. I was really concerned, but based on my knowledge, there was nothing that emergency doctor would do. So we decided to continue our trip. We hung around Slater's house for a few days, and then left for our own reservations to do a little camping and hiking. We stayed pretty mellow due to Carlos' injuries. Kayah also had some issues, with paws, and hitting her tail, so we were in a relaxed mode. We did a day of canoeing, we hiked to some beautiful lakes on our way back down to California. It wasn't the trip we envisioned, but it was still a vacation and new memories.

We came back to remote schooling. Sara got her first phone, and she was very excited. She also got her first approved makeup. She is now almost a teen!! Its weird to see the transition, and it is exciting to see her grow and mature, and come into her own. I just wish it wasn't in the covid times. We hope to make it through this, we really hope.

Now we are embarking on the kitchen remodel. Our relationship has hit a really rough patch at this point. It is possibly the accumulated stress. Or the same-ness of everything. Or the inability to be intimate and together. I don't know, but i am really hoping that my soul can heal from this.