I am the same. No, i am not. I have new limitations, but I have also a new perspective. Since being diagnosed with an autoimmune disorder almost a year ago, i have gone through multiple transformations.
After my first flare, post-Labor Day weekend, 2017, and the subsequent beginning of October flare, and the subsequent definitive diagnosis, i have been mentally adjusting to my new reality. I have grappled with fear of death, and, worse, fear of loss of abilities and body functions. I have had plenty of time when i felt i was walking the plank, feeling physically weak, tired and sickly. I read so much about all the different aspects of my condition, studied all the research papers related to the mechanisms of our immune system, and felt i was lacking in proper medical education to be able to fully comprehend and appreciate everything i was reading. I understood one key thing- every person experiencing an autoimmune dysfunction has a unique and different interaction of cells and nutrients that causes this dysfunction. That made me understand that i am my own best hope for management of this condition. By reading and trying, I was able to achieve remission, and enjoyed a sense of control over my body with my selective nutrition protocols. I also read accounts of others who enjoyed similar successes for a few years, only to be hit hard with multiple autoimmune issues requiring aggressive treatments. I have no way of knowing if this will be my story, and no way to prevent that. I try to learn as much as possible from the wisdom of others. Keeping clear of gluten and nightshades (except pepper), and dairy for the rest of my life is a small price to pay.
In the last year, aside from the first two, my other flares have been mild. Post-thanksgiving (post Zion), i had rib and lower back, stuffy nose issue for a few days, then after catching pneumonia i had a teeth flare, that i controlled with half of vicodin, then, post Tour de Palm Springs, i got an eye flare that got controlled magically by a shot of good Italian espresso at the Anaheim Packing House. I have had other expressions of my immune misfiring, from sudden depression, to low back pain, to, once, swelling in the throat, but nothing that caused me to visit the doctor for steroids, and that is the most important thing.
I no longer make long term plans. I no longer daydream about all the different possibilities of the future. I can't allow myself the delusion. But i try to make good short term plans. This strategy of no long term planning is foreign to my personality, so an adjustment is in progress.
I no longer push my body to see what it can endure. I still think it is so very satisfying to do so, but now i can't afford that, so i enjoy taking a more measured approach to fitness and training. I miss the emotional boost i got from doing "vigorous stuff", but i am learning to find joy in what i can.
I have a bunch more grey hair. I actually colored it for the first time, before going to Isabella's baby shower. It was weird, but i like the result. I think i am probably less self-conscious about aging than i was before. It would be a privilege to be able to live until the golden days. I am not sure that i would be offered that option.
I try to get as much as possible "out of my head" and concentrating on those people close to me, and their needs, wishes, and their future. They are a part of me, and they will be my legacy. I have refocused my life, but still, I have had many moments when i felt that the general "joy" has evaporated from my heart. My main objective is to not let it be so. We will continue.
