At the end of the year, summary

 This year is coming to an end. It has been a year of many mixed emotions. 

    C has travelled back to Guatemala several times to look on his sick mom. I have been trying to do my best to be his first line of support. He finds it challenging to reconcile the past, present and future, while remaining in tact to function day to day. I am so very happy that he was able to make it to his European biking trip to have at least something positive and memorable from this year. Due to circumstances we did not take any other vacations, but only small trips.

    My highlight trip was definitely the DEMF this year. It felt so good to re-encounter it after such a long break of 14 years. I was relieved to discover that music was able to take me away in the same manner as it used to do previously, and that i was able to party and after-party for three days non stop without any health consequences or fatigue. It was truly as rim-to-rim-to-rim experience as i had hoped it to be. C and S joined me on the last day. It was a trip to see them in that setting. It felt warm and good and happy to show them the festival. Although S didn't express any interest, she tolerated it well, and C really surprised me at his ability to embrace D&B. It was truly a special trip.

    In November i came back to Michigan when Shura passed away. It was also a convenient way to check on my parents. I made the most of our limited time together. It was weird to see Shura's house without her there, and to think about her in past tense. She was such a force of a woman.

    Because of these trips, my parents decided not to come here for the winter. It is understandable, they are not as mobile as before, My mom had her year of health challenges this year as well, with pacemaker installed, valve replaced, and a long recovery afterwards with AFib resulting. I am also noticing how my fathers memory of recent things is deteriorating. He doesn't really remember if we already discussed something. My mom minimizes this, perhaps because these issues are not serious enough to be an impediment in their regular life at this point, but to me this is definitely an area of concern and things to watch for in the future.

My life has been truly powered by BJJ this year. It is what inspires me, it is what i want to do all the time, and if i am not doing it then i want to read about it, watch videos or listen to podcasts on this topic. In January it will be a year since my first day, and I am happy about my Jujitsuversary. My hopes and dreams are to become better and more imaginative in action, to develop body memory and true spatial awareness when rolling. I don't care about belts at this point, i just want to get decent at this game.

Getting old sucks, watching others get old sucks even more

     I have been grappling with the challenges of getting older for a while now. I am used to it, really. Menopause kicked in much to early - i adjusted ok. Autoimmune reared its ugly head - I fell apart, but upon figuring out methods to keep it somewhat at bay, I felt victorious. I made piece with countless supplements that i had to ram down my throat on a daily basis in order to continue being able to handle my daily activities. I made peace with not being able to enjoy any normal food, or social gathering. I even embarked on getting my facial fillers, rejoicing at feeling re-built and renewed. 

But this aging issue is different. It is no longer about me, but about the generation before me. My parents, Carlos' parents are definitely stepped into the place of transition. It has become painfully apparent that their time on this earth is very much limited. It has also became front and center that their existence requires close management on our part.

My parents came to visit over the winter, as always. Except it wasn't "as always". It was most definitely very different. It wasn't their physical limitations, per se, although those also had exacerbated since the year previous. It was mostly their mental capacity that I really felt a change in. I knew we couldn't have a reasonable conversation of any substance, and that was hard, I couldn't maintain any level of engagement, - I had to tune out 99% of the time in order just to tolerate this difference. They are no longer people that I can learn from, or people that I can help to guide and teach, -- they are now people that I can just pacify, reassure, and help to keep "on neutral". It was a stark change that i don't think i was ready for. On New Years eve, after spending the entire day of my feed cooking, I sat down to "party" and was profoundly sad and bored. I didn't want to be there, i felt i was no longer surrounded by my parents, but by the ghosts of them, a holographic images that lacked the intellectual capacity. It was the hardest NYEve I have had in 16 years. When i dropped them off at the airport, i felt relief. I made a mental note: "my parents are done, they are not as they were anymore, and will never be".

Since then my mom had her pacemaker put in, and is recovering from aortic valve replacement. She is going ok, considering the situation. 

Carlos had his major challenge of his mom's cancer diagnosis, the transition to full time living with the caretaker, and all the family turmoil that this had brought. His upcoming visit to Guatemala will be challenging as well. 

As these battles with aging rage on, I am trying to trick myself into youth. I started my Jujitsu journey in January, and try to keep up with the fitness that it requires. Carlos had achieved an amazing level of fitness on his bike, and i am so amazed to see how much of an athlete he really is. He completed his epic trip to Belgium with his friends, and rode vigorously the whole 10 days he was there.

We will see what awaits us in the future. I am guessing its only harder from here..