It is still April, therefore I am still "young", still in my fourties. I have four months to convince myself that i haven't given up, haven't thrown the towel, haven't exited the ring. It is hard, because i don't feel it. I don't feel the zest of life, the desire to "go get it" in any of the areas of work or recreation. It's not the age, its not fear of dying. I feel healthy, thankfully. My autoimmune is under control. I have gotten accustomed to my modified food intake. Everything is well in my world: Sara is doing extremely well in these challenging surcumstances, Carlos is my BFF in every way. I have stability in my job, i have financial security and nothing to complain about. But I struggle to find enjoyment and contentment, I stuggle to fight sameness. I can't seem to find my enthusiams for anything. Existentual crisis is upon us. Everything feels like just too much effort for the reward it brings. What the heck is this??
Being energetic is still fresh in my memory. Being game for driving 5 hours to go to a concert, feeling enthusiastic just to geet away and to pack everything up for just one night of camping, easily make plans to go to a festival to stay on my feet for hours and hours, hot/cold but not exhausted or miserable, put in some hardcore training for vigorous climbing adventure with other people, or ok with pointless canoe paddle around a local lake -- all of these things I was totally game for at any time, but not now. I don't know how I changed. I don't know what changed, and, most importantly, I don't know how to get back to that "me". Because this "me" is utterly boring. And life is short, very very short. And i don't have years to burn to figure out how to find enjoyment again. But the issue is that pulling myself by the boostraps and doing the activities anyway does not bring joy and does not solve anything. Need to find my way back to me.
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